Who is Your Guide?

Posted on February 5, 2015 by goodbyelovie

Out of my three children, Coco is the one who is most like me. When I look at her, I see both the best and worst in myself glaring back at me, sometimes even slamming a door in my face. She knows how to push my buttons like no one else, and vice versa. We argue. We make up. Repeat. That’s why when I found this in her homework folder, I was gobsmacked.

Q: Who has served as your guide? A: My mom has teached (sic) me many things.
Q: What did the person do to help you? A: She cooks for me, sets playdates for me and helps me grow up.
Q: What did you learn from working with this person? A: How to take care of myself.
Q: What did you learn in the process? A: I can do hard things.

Given how many times she has called me stupid (or worse) and told me she hates me, it warms me to the core that deep down, she does see good in her mama.

Her assignment made me think about how I would answer these questions. I am not going to lie, the first things I thought of were the very important life lessons I have learned through mistakes – both my own and those of others. But talking about how you’ve learned from others’ mistakes is just a way to paint yourself in a really ugly light.

I learn every day, for better or worse, from many people in my life. Here are some of the people who’ve served as my guides and some of the lessons that seem most important at this time in my life.

My husband, who has shown me the true meaning of patience. He is perhaps the greatest inspiration for my quest to be ever more present in my day to day life.
My children, who make me want to be a better person every day.
My father, who taught me through his early and untimely death the importance of living life to its fullest with no regrets.
My friends and family who’ve gone through cancer, who’ve taught me both to appreciate my health, and to view the world through a lens of positivity.
My “neighborhood family” who have taught me that it truly does take a village to raise our little people.
The Crab’s teacher, who taught me that my first outward response when my kids do something totally off the wall stupid should not be “What the frick were you thinking,” but instead the question, “Why did you do that?” The truth is, the kids most often have a completely logical reason that totally makes sense to them. As a bonus, these calm “why” conversations inevitably strengthen the bonds of trust and unconditional acceptance between us.
The many wonderful ladies (and their husbands) who have taught me the meaning of friendship, shown me that adult friendships are important, and that without a doubt, laughter is the best medicine!

There are more, no doubt. One thing these people all have in common is providing me with a daily reminder to be the best me that I can be. Right now that means putting aside all of the distractions (read: my lovie) to be present, and to appreciate all of the wonderful things in my life.

Who is your guide?

Paying it Forward

Posted on January 19, 2015 by goodbyelovie

Today I took the Crab to get her wire replaced on her braces. I promised her that we’d take a post-appointment run to Starbucks for a vanilla crème to sooth her aching teeth and gums.

The Crab and Red ran up to the counter and ordered donuts and vanilla Frappuccinos (don’t judge) as well as a bag of chips for their big sis. I got a coffee and a bill for $16.75. That’s when I realized I had left my wallet on the counter at home… Of course, I did have my phone! How is it that I can remember my lovie no matter what, but not my wallet, which is infinitely more important? Hmmm…

Anyway, I frequent this particular Starbucks, so the barista told us she’d save the order and let me come back later to pay. But as we were waiting for our drinks, someone paid for us. Wow. I was floored by their kindness, and I admit, also a little embarrassed. Not sure why I felt this way, but I didn’t want anyone to think I was trying to get away with free junk food, and lots of it. It’s strange how a moment like that can make you feel such contrary emotions all at once.

My kids were watching for my reaction and I realized this was a teachable moment. We went and retrieved my wallet and went back to Starbucks. I asked if the person who paid for our order was still there, and the Barista said no, and that they had never seen her before.

So, I decided to put $16.75 on a gift card, and handed it to the barista with the instructions to use this to pay for the next customer who needs it.

The barista was so excited to carry it forward. I hope that it brightened someone’s day, as that customer brightened mine.

An open letter to the parent of the kid who gave mine lice

Posted on January 15, 2015 by goodbyelovie

Dear fellow mom,

We had an itchy little nuisance visit our house this week. I know they visited you recently too. As I told my kids – they got it from someone! I also know it was probably someone they were sitting real close to at school. Like touching heads close. I don’t know who you are, or which kid is yours. What I do know is that you didn’t tell the school or other parents to look for it when your kid had it. For that, I am disappointed in you.

I thought we moms had each others’ backs. Sure, I understand at some level. It’s icky. Just the mere thought of it makes people start scratching their heads. You don’t want your kid to be teased at school. You don’t want people to think you are dirty or gross or have your kid banned from future playdates. I have news for you mama: you are an adult, and your responsibility to let people know when your kid exposes another to lice trumps your feelings of embarrassment.

About ten minutes after finding my kid’s case, I emailed the school as well as the parents of all of my kids’ close friends. It was the email no one wants to send or receive. But it’s the email that had to be sent. And guess what? My kids’ friends’ parents were glad to receive it. I am sure they were just being nice while secretly thinking ewwwwwwww and psychosomatically scratching their own heads, but they all responded with sympathy and their own stories and tips, and were thankful that they knew so that they could check their kids’ heads. Knowledge is power my friend.

Not only did I let my kids’ teachers and friends know, but you know that notice that came out from the district today asking parents to check their children’s heads? Yeah, I asked for that to be sent out too. You know why I did that? Because while my kids are now completely lice and nit free, I did a little digging and found out about several other cases and I don’t want it passed back to my children. Don’t get me wrong – I like the nice fresh sheets we are all sleeping in, and the freshly vacuumed house. But I don’t really need a repeat of the 100 loads of laundry I’ve done this week. And besides, my kids are running out of Spongebob episodes to watch while I meticulously run that comb through their hair. If they run out, you are going to have to come entertain them while I nit-pick. Deal? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

You know what really gets me? I heard through the grapevine that there were a couple of cases as long as 5 weeks ago. So, it’s been getting passed from kid to kid for at least that long. Can you imagine – if you had just emailed and asked for the notice to go out, it’s quite possible that people would have checked their kids’ heads, treated them, and prevented a bunch of other families from going through it.

Guess what? When I find out who was kid zero, and I will find out… I will be just fine having my kids play with your kids. I am sure you’ve been diligently checking their heads, and that they are lice free. But you, my friend, will be uninvited to wine night. For you, I cannot trust.

Sincerely,

A tired nit-picking mama

P.S. A few tips for parents who might find this post on a search for lice treatments:

Breathe and calm down. It’s not a matter of if your kids get it, but when. I used to freak out at the thought of it, but after having our first (and hopefully last) cases of it behind us, I can say that the thought of it is way worse than the reality.

Don’t use that toxic stuff. They don’t work. The only thing that works is combing. I admit, I was going to fork out the big bucks to have someone else deal with it. I went to a local nit-picking salon, but they were overbooked and couldn’t fit us in. Instead, they sold me their kit and walked me through the process.

The best kits have an enzyme based solution that breaks down the nits, as well as an essential oil solution that coats the little critters to make them easy to comb out. After that sits, just comb comb comb!!!!! You will be surprised at how easy it is to eradicate if you follow the directions. And really follow the directions – you have to do repeat treatments on the days your product recommends. This is so that you can get any little ones after they hatch but before they can lay more eggs. If you even miss one nit, and don’t re-treat you will be in trouble.

Don’t freak out and bleach or fumigate your home. Bleach doesn’t do anything to them anyway. Once they are off the head, they die within 48 hours. So, by all means change the bedding, wash it on hot, and vacuum. Wash jackets and recently worn hats. Put stuffies aside for a few days, or wash them if kids need them to sleep. But you don’t need to buy new bedding, etc. That’s just silly.

Finally, and this is the most important… don’t let your kids pick up on how disgusted you are with the whole process of pulling dead bugs out of their hair. Remind them that they got it from somewhere, it’s as common as getting a cold, but easier to treat. My kids and I had great talks, and they were very calm through the whole process because I kept telling them it’s no big deal.

Eight Things I learned while watching swim practice

Posted on January 6, 2015 by goodbyelovie

Knowing the temptation would be great at swim practice, I didn’t charge lovie today. The battery was at 10% when we arrived, leaving me no choice but to be distraction free. Here are the things I learned while watching my kids swim.

1. Day 6, and New Year’s resolutions are alive and well, as evidenced from the packed parking lot at the gym to the other parents actually watching their kids instead of their phones.

2. I like watching them swim. Coco and Crab have mad swimming skills. I am not sure where they got them…certainly not from their dad or me. They look graceful gliding through the water with seemingly little effort.

3. Just in case you get thirsty during your workout… here is the Crab demonstrating how you can take your cup half full right along with you. You don’t see that every day. Glad I wasn’t looking at my phone.

4. Grown men should not wear speedos. Especially with beer guts. And hairy backs. I want the mirror he looked in before coming on deck, because that is one confidence-enhancing mirror. But speedos? I didn’t know they even made those anymore. This was a time maybe I should have been looking at my phone. Or my kids.

5. Speaking of confidence, I have mixed feelings watching Red. Swimming eludes him. I justify the confidence crushing activity only because water safety is a life skill. He was happiest that he was the tallest in his swim class. That’s really something for a kid who regularly clocks in at the 25%ile for height. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was because he has at least two years on the other kids.

6. My attention span equals that of a gnat. One hour. Actually, only 55 minutes because we were late. I stood for the first 10 minutes trying to figure out which two were mine in the sea of swim caps and goggles. Then, went to say hi to a friend, ran back to the locker to put something away, quickly walked the long way to the towel station, went to the other side of the pool to get Red settled in his lesson, walked back to say hi to a friend… crap that only took the first 25 minutes.

7. Locker rooms with children are not for the faint of heart. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

8. Flip flops, kids. Don’t forget your flip flops.

I am serious about that last one.

Every Day Counts

Posted on January 4, 2015 by goodbyelovie

The first step is either not picking up my lovie, or just letting the battery run down. Unfortunately, the latter results in an ornery husband when he can’t get a hold of me. Instead, I started to pay attention to what I was doing when I went to grab my lovie. No surprises there… procrastination!

I have always been a procrastinator. In college, I’d burn the midnight oil, printing out a research paper 5 minutes before I ran to class. While climbing the corporate ladder, I always wrote press releases better and more efficiently on deadline. Truthfully, I even cram when it comes to going to the dentist. Sure, I brush twice a day, but I once had a dentist tell me that even dentists sometimes wait to floss regularly until right before their check up.

I started a list of all the things I am procrastinating on at the moment, because the only thing better than a list is crossing things off of it! It’s very full. Cluttered really, just like the pile of clean laundry on the couch that won’t put itself away, and the piles of shoes in the garage that make coming and going take an extra 10 minutes as the crumb-snatchers search for a match.

Off to Ikea we went to remedy some of these issues. But as I was searching through the sheets for the right size/color combo, the fire alarm started chirping, and loud. My initial feeling was panic as I thought of gathering my kids and fighting our way through the maze to the nearest exit. I did a quick scan of the aisle and saw the girls. Phew. I turn around, and that panic melted away into an entirely different feeling. There was Red, with face as bright as his hair, staring wide-eyed at the emergency exit, which he had just hit as he was dancing around with the cart not paying attention. The apple does not fall far from the tree.

Ikea employees descended upon us from all around. I apologized. He apologized, and I ushered my kids towards the checkout. Coco and Crab were a giggling chorus of “Can you hear that, Red?” as the alarm kept up for a good ten minutes. Pushing my initial feelings of annoyance aside, I patted his little head, leaned over and whispered, “It’s OK Red. But when do you think you’ll stop doing stuff like that?” His response with a shrug was, “I don’t know mama, maybe never.”

That’s when I saw this bit of wisdom screaming out at me from the cover a coffee table book:

No truer words ever written. I pushed aside my initial reaction (best described as annoyance) and reacted to Red’s shenanigans with laughter and appreciation – his mischievousness, his surprise, his embarrassment, his ability to find humor in it all rolled into one adorable little package. It felt awesome to be in that moment. When we got home, he helped me build shelves to organize the shoes, and even make dinner. We chatted and laughed the whole time and the only reason I picked up my lovie was to take pictures.

Now, about that laundry…

My Lovie

Image

I am a cheater. No, don’t go there. I don’t mean that in the way you are thinking. It has nothing to do with sex, drugs, money, or any other moral deviation.

IMG_5493-1 I am actually a loving wife and mother of three with a serious electronics problem. I can’t pinpoint its inception. I believe it came on sometime in between feeding my twins at 3am while watching the home shopping network, and all the hours spent held captive in the house by three potty training toddlers.

Back then, I yearned for a minute to myself, a connection with the outside world. Sometimes, those stolen seconds facebooking behind a locked bathroom door was enough to help me maintain my grasp on sanity. All I needed was a glimpse into the world to give me hope of happier times beyond the colic, the sick kids, bodily fluids and tantrums.

Fast forward 7 years, and despite having children who are now largely capable of taking care of themselves, my phone, dubbed long ago my “lovie” by my husband, has become like an appendage. I can’t watch a TV show without texting at the same time, or playing 2048, or scrolling through headlines, facebook updates, or any number of other mindless distractions. My attention span has diminished to about 30 seconds. And, all at once, I am telling my kids they can’t have screen time, while they yell back that I am always on my phone. Touche.

I was largely and blissfully unaware of this until I came across an article recently, “Cheating goes far beyond sexual Infidelity.”

The article described perfectly the affair with my lovie. Don’t get me wrong. I have a good marriage, great actually. My husband is truly my partner. He is a fantastic father, he works hard to support our family, and he supports me in whatever I want to do. If he were still sporting his Scout uniform, he’d have a million patches on marital success. He’s a good egg.

And my children, now 9 (Coco), 7 (Crab), and 7 (Red), are pretty fantastic as well. But each day slips by faster than the last. Before I know it, I’ll be sending three humans out into this world, and if they are anything like their mama, they won’t look back. My time with them is precious.

Enter this blog. It’s the dawn of a new year. I resolve to put down my lovie and be present. I resolve to notice the little moments. Not just to notice, but to appreciate and find humor in them.

Like this little gem from the Crab: Happy Welcome to 2015 day. I wish I had her way with words.

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